


My Tears Are Like Callouses, My Sighs Are Now My Breaths

by iamleegracey



Category: Infinite (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-07
Updated: 2019-01-07
Packaged: 2019-10-06 04:15:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,583
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17338397
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iamleegracey/pseuds/iamleegracey
Summary: Every doctor he’s gone to told him he’d forget everything, yet here he was, clearly remembering everything with his nurse as the only listener to his memories.





	My Tears Are Like Callouses, My Sighs Are Now My Breaths

**Author's Note:**

> Author's Notes: It may look like it's rush. Because it is. And also, if you're a follower of my stories, I might have something in store for you. Hint: Chopin, maybe?

Woohyun was sure he had heard a show about a girl who has an “eraser” on her mind that had fallen in love with a guy she was going to forget sooner. It was, in all honesty, another clichéd attempt at romanticizing a mental illness. There were tons of films and dramas that had used the theme, oversold it to millions of viewers that the idea had left a bitter distaste in Woohyun’s tongue. Yet people still bought the story. But not him. Never him.

And it may be because he always had this firm belief that no matter what happens, the heart doesn’t forget anything – or anyone for that matter (he doesn’t know who’s more clichéd now). In fact, in his twenty-something years of living, he could still remember his irritation towards freaking Lee Howon from sixth grade who managed to beat him on the school race; or sweet, little Sungjong that he used to play with on the park just behind his childhood home made him reminisce of warm, spring afternoons; and flower boy Kim Myungsoo from senior high that he only observed from afar ignited just a tiny bit of jealousy; there was also jolly Jang Dongwoo, whom he was seated beside with in Advanced Calculus during third year at university that he only exchanged brief greetings; and the amusement that Lee Sungyeol brought when they were once partnered with on a project way back middle school. He clearly remembered them all.

And when Woohyun met Kim Sunggyu, he was certain he’d never forget him nor the feelings that he felt, not in a million years.

Not even when he wanted to forget him.

But fate had played on him big time.

It was another summer’s day, and the sun’s rays illuminated the average room that Woohyun was in. The bland, white walls became a constant reminder that Woohyun was trapped inside a clichéd story that he despised in his younger years. He didn’t even know how long it has been since he was admitted in this room, and he never bothered to remember – not when he knew he wouldn’t recall anyway.

The days were all but a big blur in his mind, the hours passing by along with his memories. It was ironic, how he could remember the littlest detail of his favorite sweater from his childhood but couldn’t even recall what he ate for dinner last night. Did he even have one last night?

It was sickening.

Woohyun wasn’t sure how it started. It was normal to forget small things, after all, like misplacing his glasses or skipping a meal. Then rapidly, he’s starting to forget certain things on his daily routines – adding creamer to his morning coffee, leaving home at exactly 8:15 in the morning to avoid the morning rush and passing by the animal center every weekend to do volunteer work. Denial soon thrummed in his veins as more and more things were forgotten.

Pans left on an open stove. Birthdays and important events that he celebrated since he could remember. Names of colleagues he had been working with for the past four years.

The last straw was when he found himself lost amidst the streets of the neighborhood he had been living at since he graduated university.

His case was something rare, they said, a hopeless case and Woohyun thought that by now he wouldn’t care less. Sometimes he wished he had forgotten how somber the voice of the doctors were and how they looked at him with pity. The memory he most wanted to forget continuously haunted him even after he closed his eyes and it goes on well into the next day when he woke up and find himself in the small, white room.

The walls were a daily reminder that he now has a freaking _eraser_ in his mind, and the doctors couldn’t do anything about it.

The only thing – or person – he’s looking forward to is when the nurse came by to check on him. It was the only time that he could interact with another person, the only time he could check if his most _cherished_ memories were still intact. The few minutes that he spends with his nurse was a reprieve of some sort.

“Oh, you’re already up, Woohyun.”

Woohyun turned to where the door was, and there was his nurse – the only nurse he could remember amongst the handful that worked there. An involuntary small smile crept up his lips as he sat up on his bed just as the nurse settled the tray containing Woohyun’s morning routine – his medicines that were quite useless in his opinion.

There was a comforting familiarity about the nurse, Woohyun thought, as he stared at the nurse going about. It was as if he was someone from Woohyun’s past that made Woohyun felt at ease whenever the nurse was around. It could be, but the nurse himself verified that he hadn’t seen Woohyun before.

And Woohyun believed him. It’s better to believe someone who has a functional mind anyway.

“Good morning.”

“Ah, you seemed to be in a good mood today.” The nurse chuckled softly before staring at Woohyun. “I wonder if it has anything to do with the bright weather.”

“Can be.”

“Well, how about another story after taking your daily dose of meds?” There was that smile again and Woohyun knew he couldn’t refuse it. He sent a shrug to the expectant nurse before taking the tasteless pills on the tray and swallowing them. The heavy feeling of the pills going down his throat were ignored as he tried his best to rack up his mind of any story that he could share to the nurse. And just when he thought he couldn’t find any, his eyes landed on the windows.

A small smile graced his lips.

“I’ve met _him_ on a sunny day like this.” Woohyun found himself muttering as the memory came crashing onto him. He could perfectly remember how the humid air touched his skin while the birds chirped. The campus café flashed in Woohyun’s mind and the smell of brewed coffee wafted through his nostrils. It felt like he was transported back to that time years ago.

“Tell me about it, how you met Sunggyu.” The nurse’s voice was distant as Woohyun imagined the scenario in his mind.

“It was nothing special, a bit corny in my opinion, during the last days of my summer of second year in university.” Woohyun started, a smile unknowingly gracing his face as he continued. “For some reasons, I was one of the early students to go back to the campus a few days before classes start. And since there was nothing to do that day, I decided to take a trip to the campus café while it’s not crowded by stressed college students.”

Woohyun looked up to see his nurse sitting on the lone chair in the room – one that was meant for visitors that never came – looking at him with interest, body leaned forward with interest and it urged him to continue. His mind conjured the image of the street that lead to numerous establishments and Woohyun can imagine himself that day, shoes scraping along the cobblestones on the ground while walking leisurely.

“I was taking my time walking, you know, since the campus was always crowded with people that were overworked. And it was funny enough, that the very day that the café was almost deserted was the day I had to bump onto him – literally.”

A chuckle tore out of Woohyun’s throat while his senses were overwhelmed. His skin suddenly tingled at just the memory of Sunggyu’s skin making contact with his. His heart raced just as it was that day. The memory of Sunggyu storming out of the café’s door while Woohyun was half way through entering was clear in Woohyun’s mind. The sudden contact was fresh in his mind, his shoulder suddenly throbbing as if it really collided with Sunggyu’s and everything else around Woohyun was gone with only Sunggyu invading his senses.

_“Ah, fuck. Sorry.”_

Never mind that Sunggyu’s first words at him were cuss words and it was clichéd in every way, but at that time Woohyun sensed that time had stopped and that all he could hear was Sunggyu’s deep voice as he muttered endless apologies. The feeling of something wet belatedly came and only then did Woohyun saw the half empty cup on Sunggyu’s hands, half of its contents now staining his shirt.

Everything was as clear as crystal in Woohyun’s mind and he would have wanted to stay in that memory, if not for his nurse’s voice suddenly interrupting his thoughts.

“Then maybe it was really destined for the two of you to meet.”

Was it really destiny? Woohyun wasn’t quite sure. Maybe it was, or maybe it wasn’t.

“It was stereotypical, the kind that only happens in movies. He was going out of the café with his head turned towards the barista while I was entering with my eyes searching for the perfect spot to lounge on. Then bam, we collided, and his coffee spilled on my _new_ shirt. You know what they say about that love at first sight meetings?”

Woohyun received an interested nod from the nurse before he went on.

“Everything just stopped…like the only thing I could see, hear, smell and feel was Sunggyu. The scalding hot liquid on my torso was nothing compared to when he frantically tried to wipe it with tissues. And I could still remember how he looked – he was wearing that hideous graphic shirt and those skinny leather jeans that he secretly hated. Ugh, and those ankle high sneakers. Seriously, he was, in all kinds of honesty, a wannabe rocker kid.”

“Yeah? I could imagine.” The nurse chuckled once more, clearly amused at Woohyun’s story. “It must have been hilarious, seeing the rocker kid acting frantically and way out of his supposed image.”

“It was! His hair was a shock of red, that I assure you. I mean, how can you forget that shade of red? And his eyes…his eyes were… they were brown and big – no wait, I think they were black, weren’t they? And his nose was tall…and, and fuck.”

A head-splitting headache suddenly shook Woohyun. His hands automatically held his head as the image of Sunggyu’s face suddenly became too blurry for him to remember. It was there, Woohyun knew and if he could only push himself further, he was sure he’d remember Sunggyu’s face. But just like any other times, his mind failed him and all it brought was disappointment and frustration and tears and a mind-numbing ache.

Why couldn’t he remember how Kim Sunggyu looked like?

Amidst the turmoil inside his mind, there was a faint sound of footsteps moving closer to him. Warm hands touched him and soon he was lying on the bed with the nurse’s consoling smile the only thing he could see.

“It’ll come back. So, until then, please don’t overexert yourself.” The nurse said with a soft smile, his eyes crinkling into crescents before he leaned back and gathered his tray from the side table.

The way the nurse looked at Woohyun was new, as if he was sad and sympathetic on Woohyun’s situation. He didn’t know if he should be angry or not.

“Why? Why couldn’t I remember him?!”

“But you did, you remembered every little detail of your first meeting. You remembered how he was dressed and what color his hair was. It’s a good progress, don’t you think so?”

The nurse’s voice was soothing like that of the tranquilizers that the doctors sometimes inject him, and maybe it was one of the reasons why Woohyun was assigned with this nurse. He was the closest thing that could calm Woohyun.

Just like Sunggyu.

“I’m afraid it’s time for me to go. Tell me another story about Sunggyu next time, okay?”

Woohyun can only nod as he watched the nurse walked towards the door while a heavy feeling settled inside him. And when the door finally closed, and he was left to his own devices once more, thoughts started swimming through his still throbbing head.

How was it possible that his heart could remember Kim Sunggyu, yet his mind denied him of remembering a face to channel his feelings to?

Fate was inherently cruel, Woohyun thought before he let his eyes closed, the simple act of remembering taking a toll on his already weary mind and body.

\--

Cherry blossoms litter the grounds of the hospital courtyard, painting a shade of baby pink all over the gardens. The sun was high up the blue sky; the birds expressed their excitement about the spring weather with their melodious twittering while a few children shrieked happily as they played about. A few adults were outside as well, enjoying the fine weather while trying hard not to sneeze over the pollens.

It was one of those rare days that Woohyun found himself actually enjoying the weather beyond the small of his room’s window. There was just that nagging feeling inside him that urged him to actually feel the sunlight while padding his feet on the newly mowed grass. Maybe it’s the feeling of spring – of new beginnings, new seasons and a new day. Or maybe the children’s laughter was just too contagious, too nostalgic. The sound reminded him of that time when Sunggyu finally agreed to that date that Woohyun had asked for months.

He could still remember how happy he was that day, now if only he could also remember how Sunggyu looked like during that time, then it would be perfect.  

“Well, this is a surprise. Didn’t think I’d find you here.”

Woohyun looked up and saw his nurse approaching the bench he’s sitting on with an amused smile on his face. The guy then sat on the other side of the seat with a smile just as bright as the sun and Woohyun found himself smiling against his own volition.

“Something new, I guess.”

“Or maybe something old that you want to remember?”

The nurse was partially true. There were just too many memories that were associated with spring, memories that Woohyun shared with Sunggyu that he wanted so bad to experience and re-enact again. Memories that Woohyun wanted to be replaced with something even nicer yet he wished he wouldn’t forget.

“Maybe.”

“Oh, I can already sense a story somewhere in there.” Woohyun watched as the nurse leaned closer against him, earnest interest clearly etched on the guy’s features that Woohyun found himself chuckling.

“Don’t you have something better to do?”

“Come on, I clock in this hospital for your stories.”   

Woohyun found himself chuckling before shaking his head in amusement. He was eternally grateful for that higher being who assigned him a nurse like the one he has now. It really made things brighter and interesting during his stay at that hospital.

“Alright, then. Have I told you how disastrous it was during our first date?” Woohyun can already feel the nurse’s attention solely on him. He didn’t even need a reply so he continued on, eyes settling on the falling cherry blossoms on a nearby tree.

“In case you haven’t noticed yet, I’m quite the cheesy, romantic type. And when Sunggyu finally said yes to the date I was _insistently_ asking him barely a week before the forecasted first day of spring, I thought it was the perfect chance, you know? There’s even a local carnival that opened for the town’s annual festival and I decided to take him there.”

Snippets of the memory flashed through Woohyun’s mind, and he tried not to touch on the fact that he can’t remember Sunggyu’s features – the guy only appeared as an intricate blur in his mind. Woohyun let the feeling of the welcoming atmosphere of spring envelope his senses instead and the sound of children’s laughter from nearby made him feel like he was in the carnival once more.

“Not to sound like I’m praising myself but I really, really pride myself with patience. Yet when it came to Sunggyu, the days leading onto our date seemed longer. And when the day finally came, I could already tell it’s going to be a disaster the moment I woke up.”

Woohyun found himself chuckling, his eyes seemingly seeing the memory play out in front of him in vividness. The same feelings from that day submerged, from excitement to anxiousness to amusement. He was so submerged in reminiscing that he almost forgot his companion until he spoke.

“Why? Was there like a premonition or something?” The nurse’s voice was full of anticipation as Woohyun turned to look at him. A small smile made its way to Woohyun’s lips as he leaned back on the bench.

“Yeah. I wasn’t able to sleep properly because of my excitement so I heavily relied on my alarm clock that suddenly didn’t go off, leaving me barely half an hour to prepare. And don’t get me started when I finally got down from my dorm room. Gods, there was like a dust storm of some sort!”

“So, I take it that you still persisted on that carnival date?”

“You know me perfectly well.” Woohyun chuckled and nodded enthusiastically. “It’s already perfectly planned. Why back down just because of a minor setback? Sunggyu even bailed out and sent me a message just as I was waiting for him at the park near his dorm. Well, you can take a guess on what happened next.”

Laughter echoed from the nurse and Woohyun didn’t need to look to see the guy’s eyes crinkled into crescents as the aftermath of his laughter shook him.

“I’m guessing you dragged him out of his dorm towards the carnival.”

“Indeed, and boy was that the biggest mistake of my life that day.” Amidst the blurriness that is Sunggyu’s features, Woohyun can still remember how Sunggyu can’t stop sneezing the moment they stepped out of the building. And it didn’t ceased when they boarded the bus and the sneezing intensified as soon as they arrived at the local carnival.

It took at least an hour for the sneezing and runny nose to subside, but it was just the start of Woohyun’s demise. Halfway through their Ferris wheel ride (where he found out that Sunggyu had fear of heights), small patches of red started appearing on Sunggyu’s arms, crawling up to his neck and eventually setting on his face.

“I thought Sunggyu wouldn’t give me another chance. I mean, he was furious when he hopped down the carriage we were boarding and stomped out of the carnival without even a word.”

“I’m pretty sure Sunggyu can’t resist you, well that’s based on your stories.” The nurse countered and Woohyun found himself agreeing.

“Yeah, I didn’t expected to receive a text message, and even if I did, I was sure it’s something along the lines of never, ever showing my face to him again.” The words were forever etched in Woohyun’s mind, and in a heartbeat, he’ll be able to say it without any doubt. “ _Today was horrible. Take me to dinner next weekend to make it up to me._ That’s what he texted me.”

Relief and excitement flooded through Woohyun’s system once more, as if he was back to that time – that afternoon when he was sulking in his room after he stuffed himself full of junk foods and sodas. He can perfectly remember the way the skies were a hue of purples and oranges, and the cherry blossom trees barely having buds on its branches. Everything during that moment was stored inside Woohyun’s mind just as it was.

Everything except Sunggyu’s face.

A sigh almost escaped Woohyun, and a frown was already halfway through forming when his nurse called out to him.

“He must’ve really liked you then, Woohyun. So, will I be hearing the story of how you made it up to Sunggyu?”

Instead of the sigh that Woohyun was planning to emit, an amused chortle replaced it. This guy was indeed shameless – in an interesting and endearing way, of course.

“That’s a story for another day. And besides, don’t you have actual work to do?” And is on cue, a beep suddenly emanated from the nurse’s pocket, making the guy groan in disappointment. “I think that’s your cue to leave.”

“Unfortunately. But I’ll be holding onto that terrible date saga of yours.”

“I’ll be here waiting.” Woohyun smiled as the nurse let out a sigh and stood from the bench. A shiver ran through Woohyun’s spine when their eyes met, and he shook it off as something caused by the sudden cold breeze.

“You shouldn’t stay out too long, Woohyun. But if you decided to do so, please keep yourself warm.”

“Yes, mother.”

The nurse rolled his eyes before taking a step back, waving at Woohyun one last time before going his way. Woohyun then tried to shake off the feeling of familiarity he just felt a few moments earlier by staring at the cherry blossoms by his feet.

* * *

The thunder boomed loudly, waking up Woohyun from his nap. The smell of rain (he could perfectly hear Sunggyu’s voice reprimanding him that there’s no such thing as the smell of rain) permeated his nose and it immediately calmed his nerves. He quickly turned towards the windows where, indeed, he found the window panes painted with droplets of water as it rolled down freely. Woohyun would have walked towards the windows and open it if not for the sound of the door creaking open.

The frown etched on his nurse’s face was an unusual sigh and it almost made Woohyun chuckle in delight. Instead, he repressed it with a small, amused smile that he hoped the nurse wouldn’t notice.

Sunggyu would always frown as well whenever it’s raining.

“What?” There was an edge on the nurse’s voice and instead of feeling intimidated Woohyun found himself letting out the chuckle he hardly suppressed inside him. The frown on the nurse’s face only deepened at this.

“Sorry. It’s just…you remind me of how Sunggyu would feel whenever it’s raining.”

Woohyun watched as the nurse blinked, yet the expression didn’t even change a bit. In fact, the nurse’s features seemed to only harden. Lightning flashed, followed closely by rumble of thunder, making the nurse wince. It was clear that the guy woke up from the wrong side of the bed and that he wasn’t up for their usual banters.

“Here’s your daily dose of medicine.” The nurse’s voice was bland, bordering emotionless, and the guy doesn’t even look at Woohyun.

“Thanks.”

With heavy limbs, Woohyun got up from the bed and reached for the tray resting on the side table. The sound of the rain heavily pouring was muffled by the walls, but it was better than having to bear the deafening silence enveloping the room. As soon as he swallowed the last pill, the nurse wordlessly gathered the tray and proceeded to walk out of the room.

“Hey…won’t you…stay? Even just for a little while?” Never had Woohyun felt so uncertain in his life, except that one time with Sunggyu – and ironically it was also raining during that time. The nurse stopped halfway through opening the door, figure too tensed and straight before he replied with a passive voice.

“Sorry, I’m not in the mood, Woohyun. Maybe some other time.”

“Oh, well then I guess I’ll see you–” The sound of the door clicking closed cut off Woohyun, and a sigh escaped him while he stared at the closed door. “Later.”

Another sigh escaped the young man before he plopped back on his bed.

There was always something beautiful with the rain, he thought. But not everyone shares the same sentiments as him – especially not Kim Sunggyu. Sunggyu hated everything that had to do with inconvenience, and the rain exactly falls under that category. The gloomy and wet weather would always rouse the anger and irritation that was buried beneath Sunggyu and try as Woohyun might, he can’t placate the guy whenever it’s raining.

Woohyun wondered if Sunggyu’s sulking that day.

“He probably is. Maybe even glaring holes at the windows at this very moment.” Woohyun chuckled to himself, turning towards the direction of the windows and watching the gray canvas through the small square.

It was also raining when he and Sunggyu first argued about something. And even if the rain brought upon that memory, Woohyun can’t find it in himself to hate the weather. There was something beautiful beneath it, just like how their first argument made them realize that it’s not always rainbows and butterflies.

Woohyun can’t remember the very reason their fight started – something as trivial as probably leaving the lights on the bathroom on – but he can perfectly remember the sounds of something shattering, the words spat out in the heat of the moment, the unbearable silence that came afterwards. Every moment was like a photo captured and stored inside Woohyun’s memory hidden at the very back of his mind.

And when everything was calm and the rain had passed, Woohyun reminisced on how he manned up, swallowed the almost non-existent pride that he had and hugged Sunggyu until he stopped struggling. The word _sorry_ repeatedly came out of his mouth, and he didn’t stopped even if Sunggyu sobbed and admitted his fault. He didn’t stop when they were in bed, limbs a tangled mess, and he didn’t stop until the rays of sun streamed through their window.

Woohyun firmly believed that something as simple as sorry was essential in mending relationships. Apologizing was something easier said than done to most people, and luckily Woohyun wasn’t most people.

“If I apologize now, would you come back?”Woohyun found himself muttering to no one, wondering if his situation can be mended by a simple sorry. He knew he hadn’t done anything wrong, but asking for forgiveness always works out. “If I said sorry, would I be able to see your face again?”

Through his musings, he failed to notice that the rain had finally stopped, giving way to the sun that brought along a bright rainbow. Woohyun also failed to notice that the door to his room was ajar, and that someone was listening to his musings.

A few seconds more and a knock echoed through his room, waking Woohyun up from his train of thoughts. He looked up and saw his nurse, a sheepish look replacing the frown from earlier as he avoided Woohyun’s gaze.

“I’m – I’m sorry. About earlier.”

Woohyun found himself smiling and shrugging nonchalantly at the nurse.

“Your offer still stands, right?”

“Of course. Why don’t you make yourself comfortable while I rack my brain for another story to tell you?”

There was a small smile that graced the nurse’s lips, and something warm blossomed through Woohyun. Apologizing does make wonders, he thought. And the very example of it was standing in front of him with a sheepish expression that made him feel at ease.

Like he was at home.

“So, have I told you about that time Sunggyu and I first argued?”

* * *

Winter came by too fast.

Woohyun was sure he was just enjoying the orange hues that autumn brought (but not the dropping temperatures) and in a blink of an eye, the orange leaves scattered on the grounds were replaced by the pristine whiteness of the snow.  

Snowflakes were falling from the grey skies and the sight was almost surreal, like a scene straight from that drama that Woohyun barely remembers. It was rather clichéd too, because almost all the first kisses that he had watched from the movies and televisions depict ones that were under the first snowfall.

But if anything, Woohyun was just as clichéd too.

“Hey, you’re still up?”

Woohyun didn’t need to turn to know that it was his nurse who called out. Instead, he leaned closer to his window, half of his body out of the frame while his fingertips reached out to catch a snowflake. One landed coldly on his index finger and it sent a smile on Woohyun’s face.

“It’s too hard to sleep when you have a great view like this.”

“Does it remind you of Sunggyu?” There was a teasing tone in the nurse’s voice that made Woohyun turn to him in interest. “What? We almost see each other seven times a week. It’s just probable that there’s another memory in this clichéd setting we’re in now.”

“I should really start charging you for each story I tell.”

Laughter bubbled out of the nurse as he leaned against the window frame. The snowflake on his finger was starting to melt and Woohyun decided to let it fall on the dump of snow below. Then he turned to look at the nurse with a melancholic look as he remembered a special memory that involved snowfall.

“Remember that disastrous date I’ve told you about? Well, Sunggyu would often tell me that our date during one winter night compensated for it. There was this drama, you see, a very popular drama that depicted the couple’s first kiss under the first snowfall. And no matter how hard he tries to deny it, I was so sure that he wanted to do it as well. After all, his boyfriend was, and I quote, one big cheeseball.”

“Well, I’m pretty sure Sunggyu doesn’t like the clichéd scene one bit.”

“Oh, please, you don’t know Kim Sunggyu like I do.” Woohyun chuckled fondly, because he could clearly remember how Sunggyu’s mind works – through insistent denials and what nots. “He wouldn’t admit it, but I’ve known him like the back of my hand. You see, Sunggyu doesn’t like to move whenever it’s too cold or too hot.

“But for days, he kept on pestering me to take walks around the neighborhood even at a negative five temperature. He was not subtle in any way. And every time that I would indulge him, the timing wouldn’t be right; the snow would be high up our knees, or the winds were too harsh, or the snowfall was just too strong.”

And it was a cute attempt, Woohyun thought. Sometimes, he thought that his greasiness may have rubbed off on Sunggyu during the years that they were together, and no matter how Sunggyu tries to deny it, there’s a teeny bit of cheesiness present in his system.

“What happened then? Did his plan fall through?”

“Of course not. He has the perfect grease machine as a boyfriend – who isn’t as dense as he was.” Woohyun shook his head in amusement as he continued. “Just when he was about to give up, I managed to coax him to accompany me on a nearby park. The night was just too perfect to pass up, the snow wasn’t piled, the temperature was just right and there was even a slight snowfall when we arrived at our destination.

“And being the grumpy man that he was, he certainly knew what I was planning. He was such a sore loser, you know? He thought that I had won over him against a game that he himself had devised. He was frowning and refusing to cooperate and it only made me more determined to make his dream kiss come true. We’ve never kissed, you see. Even after months of dating, I never dared to kiss his lips because I was waiting for the right time.”

“Oh my god, you’re really a big cheeseball.” The nurse groaned in exasperation, making Woohyun chuckle.

“Well, someone has to be cheesy between the two of us. Anyway, we were sitting on a bench just as snow started falling and suddenly, he stood. And the thing that he forgot about me is that I have athletic reflexes, so before he could stomp his way home, I managed to grab his hand and stop him.

“That moment was just…I don’t know, indescribable. I mean, everything around us just didn’t matter, and the only person I see was him. There was a spark between us that only drew us closer. He was so beautiful then, you know? With puffy cheeks and red nose and breath coming out in puffs, he was just…perfect. And when a snowflake managed to fall on the tip of his nose, I felt like it was the perfect chance.”

Woohyun stopped for a moment, his inside warm at the thought of his first kiss with Sunggyu. His fingertips felt as though it was touching the material of Sunggyu’s sweater that day, and his skin tingled at the thought of Sunggyu’s breath touching his cheeks.

“Well, who initiated the kiss first?”

“I can’t remember. The only moment I can remember was when our lips touched, it sent warmth through my veins. His lips perfectly slotted against mine and it was–”

“Magical?” Something was different from the way the nurse muttered the word, and when Woohyun looked at his companion, he was wearing an unreadable expression that he quickly shook off.

It was weird, but Woohyun tried to shrug it off.

“Yeah. Magical. We even managed to kiss a few more times under the snow and the next day, we were both down with cold.” A chuckle tore out of Woohyun, but he quickly stopped when he noticed his nurse was quiet. “You okay?”

It was silent for a moment before the nurse finally woke up from his stupor and flashed him a smile.

“Yeah. Sorry, it’s just my shifts were prolonged since the hospital’s lacking people. You know, holiday season and all.”

“No worries. Hey, how about you? How was your first kiss?”

The nurse suddenly stood with an enigmatic smile, and Woohyun thought he wouldn’t get the answer he wanted to hear since the man walked towards the door. When the door was halfway opened, the nurse then turned to him still wearing that smile of his that made Woohyun’s insides quiver.

“Magical.”

* * *

It was already late afternoon when Woohyun opened his eyes. He didn’t even remember closing them, and it only frustrated him some more. He knew his condition is deteriorating and the mere fact that his doctors hadn’t said anything about it only discouraged Woohyun. Every waking hour only made Woohyun feel desperate. It didn’t matter if he forgets everything if he remembers how Sunggyu looked like.

But the one person he wanted to remember was the very person he couldn’t and he’s afraid that the memories they’ve shared together were also rapidly slipping away from his mind.

His eyes were then turned towards the window where hues of red, orange, blue and purple merged into one and creating a canvas on the sky and it was a sight to behold. The image burned through his mind and made him remember a favorite routine back then. It was a relief that he could even remember it.

Watching sunsets were always a hobby that Woohyun and Sunggyu shared and did as often as they could. And it was a privilege that both he and Sunggyu almost always get off work just as the sun started setting on the horizon. The moments shared were usually enveloped in a comfortable silence while they cuddled against each other way until the sun had left long ago. Sometimes they would talk for hours until they get goosebumps and stifle a sneeze. And there were also times when they would kiss each other for hours with the moon and stars as their witnesses. Frankly, those were Woohyun’s favorite times.

What would Woohyun give to go back to those times?

Woohyun found himself dragging his feet towards the windows and opening it. The warm night breeze tickled his cheeks and ruffled his hair as the thought of Sunggyu swam through his mind. Does Sunggyu still watch the sunset? It would have been a great summer evening to cuddle with him.

The sound of the door creaking open caught Woohyun’s attention, and to his great shock, he saw his nurse stepping inside with an equally shocked expression.

“Did I actually forget that you’re supposed to drop by tonight?” Woohyun asked and there was a sheepish smile from the nurse as he walked towards him.

“Ah, no. I’m…I’m on my way out actually. I just thought of checking up on you before I clock out.”

It was quite unusual, since Woohyun was sure that the nurse only drops by during mornings to deliver his morning medicines. And besides, what kind of nurse checks on his patients after their shift? But then again, who was he to deny a companion?

“Well, here I am.”

“And maybe I was expecting one last story before I go my way?”

 “I should charge you next time, you know.” A chuckle reverberated from Woohyun as he turned back to the now dark sky. “Especially with my condition.”

“Then you can call it quits. It’s quite hard to take care of someone as stubborn as you.”

There was a playful tone that emanated from the nurse that made Woohyun blink in amusement. And then he found himself laughing – the most genuine he had ever had since he got confined in that small room. And when he finally got hold of himself, the fond look that the nurse sent him made his chest throb painfully. It was oddly…familiar.

What the hell is wrong with him?

Woohyun decided to break their gazes and turn back towards the night scenery offered by the windows. There was a comfortable silence that enveloped them and at that moment Woohyun swore he was at peace and he didn’t know whether it was because of the nurse’s presence. There was something about him that just feels right – as if Woohyun had known him his whole life, and dare he say it, maybe want to spend his remaining days with him.

Even now, when there were no words to exchange. It was as if they don’t need any words to understand whatever they were thinking. Like they were in sync, that years of companionship had strengthen their bond even if Woohyun was admitted in the hospital not that long ago.

_But what about Kim Sunggyu?_

There it was again, that dull ache that accompanied every waking thought about Sunggyu. It was unfair, because all this time he hadn’t even had a single visit from Sunggyu. Granted he couldn’t remember the guy’s face. But surely enough, he’d be able to recognize him, right?

Maybe. Was this how fate wanted to tell him to forget the only person he doesn’t want to?

“Hey.”

A warm hand touched Woohyun’s forearm and he suddenly flinched, as if the touch was hot against his skin and he wanted to avoid it at all costs. And when Woohyun looked up, regret instantly flooded his senses. The usually calm façade of the only person that visited him was now replaced with a frown deeply etched on his face. There was also a hint of hurt somewhere if Woohyun squints just a little bit.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean–”

“It’s fine. I should be the one saying sorry.” There was something unfamiliar with the way the nurse had uttered the words, and Woohyun thought the odd tone doesn’t suit him at all. Not when he was so used to hearing a joyful tone from his nurse. It only made him feel guiltier than he could ever be.

But he shouldn’t feel guilty, because the guy was trying hard to make Woohyun forget about Sunggyu (even if he could barely remember the guy). Isn’t he?

A soft sigh came out of Woohyun and he opted to inch away from the guy. Whether the nurse noticed it or not, he didn’t commented on it and Woohyun was grateful enough for that.

Another bout of silence enveloped them, but this time it was heavy – tensed. Woohyun didn’t know whether it was mere minutes that passed or maybe an hour or so, and all he could do was steal glances at the guy beside him. It was quite unnerving though, when all he could see was a serene look despite quick glances on the nurse’s side profile. How could the guy even remain calm while a heavy tension hang over them was beyond Woohyun.

A shade of dark blue already painted the cast sky, stars finally making their first appearances. Woohyun could barely remember the playful banter he would engage with Sunggyu on what color does the sky really look like. There was an itch inside Woohyun that wanted to ask the nurse his opinion about it. But he held back, because at the back of his mind, a stern voice reminded him that the argument was solely _for Kim Sunggyu only_.

And just when he thought they could go on being quiet for the rest of the night, the nurse suddenly spoke.

“How about I tell you a story this time?”

The statement left no room for argument. It was clear that the nurse would insist even if Woohyun would decline, so the latter only managed to send a half shrug at his nurse. The next moments were heavy and even more so when the nurse finally opened his mouth.

“You know, I’ve never wanted to pursue the medical field before, much less anything else. Well, maybe some sort of a band singer touring around the country, but never a medical profession. Never had the patience to know medicines that came out with unpronounceable names and even look after and take care of strangers – hell, I can’t even look after myself properly.” There was a sad chuckle that came out of the nurse, a chuckle that pinched Woohyun’s heart in pain. “Never had I foresaw myself on a job that would make me wake up during ungodly hours and go home just a few hours earlier before the sun rises, wear uncomfortably white clothes that I’m not allowed to stain, remember medical histories of persons I don’t even know personally.”

“This is the part where I should start asking a question, right?” Woohyun smirked a little, his eyes not daring to look away from the vast canvas above them. And besides, he can perfectly envision the amused smile that his companion is probably sporting at the moment.

“Yeah, but I’ll do you a favor and answer the obvious question in your mind.”

“I’m all ears.”

There was a pregnant pause that stretched on and Woohyun found himself staring at a familiar patch of sky, where a cluster of stars reside. Had he studied astronomy before and found the group of stars familiar?

“What gives? This might sound clichéd but I met this… _unique_ guy. We literally bumped onto each other and had my coffee spilled on him. He’s weird and stubborn and bright and very optimistic and cheesy, the exact opposite of dark and broody and boring me, you know? There’s a big warning sign that I should avoid him at all cost. But then he, I don’t know, insisted his way to my life despite my strong refusal. He made me see life in a different light – the vivid and lively side of reality I wasn’t accustomed to; a reality I never knew and thought existed before I met him.

“We went on to a disastrous first date. A carnival date during the first day of spring should’ve been perfect, but someone between us must’ve been really unlucky to put a curse on that day. But, hey, our first kiss compensated a lot for it – I mean, it was straight out of a rom-com movie to be honest. Then there were those fights, arguments that would leave us both upset; and no matter the consequences are, he would always apologize first.

“He taught me to appreciate the rain despite its inconvenience and my apparent hate for it. He helped me become patient enough to watch something as mundane as the sun setting. He made me realized that sometimes things that are cheesy and impossibly romcom-ish can still happen to you and make your heart flutter despite your denial. He encouraged me to never restrict the child in me and to never limit my imagination.

“He would always tell me to look for the beauty of all things no matter how discouraging or upsetting it may be. Because of him, I realized that you can never win if you let pride get in the way. Everything has its own place and time. And that you’ll never really know what you’ve got till it’s gone, so you should savor what you have while you still can. Life’s too short to lament on things that would never make you happy. Live for the present, never for the past so you can look brightly ahead for the future.

“And more importantly, I should always remember to reward myself with a smile because, and I quote, _I am definitely someone else’s sunshine, and a smile can definitely make that someone’s day beyond complete_.”

A rush of déjà vu ran through Woohyun’s system when he heard those last words. It felt familiar, sounded familiar but he couldn’t really figure out where he had heard it before. And when he finally had the courage to tear his eyes away from the twinkling specs of light and met his nurse’s eyes. His heart started hammering against his chest and his blood seemed to pump loudly against his hears. Suddenly, he’s seeing his memories once more – memories he shared with Kim Sunggyu, but only this time the person he’s struggling to remember for the longest time finally had a face. And Woohyun wished it away.

Every memory he could remember with Sunggyu was now as clear as crystal except someone else took Sunggyu’s place – his nurse.

A headache was starting to form inside Woohyun’s head while he was rooted in his spot. Whatever his mind was conjuring was definitely impossible. A feeling of restlessness settled within Woohyun as he repeatedly convinced himself that the face of Kim Sunggyu he was seeing inside his mind was just a figment of imagination that was produced by being contained inside these bland walls.

Or maybe it wasn’t.

“What happened then?”

There was something different with the way his nurse was looking at him – as if the guy was seeing another person within Woohyun. It was familiar. It was warm.

It was home.

Until the nurse opened his mouth with a passive expression that Woohyun has never seen before on the guy’s face.

“He forgot.”

The words heavily weighed within Woohyun as different emotions surged inside him. Nausea threatened to overcome his senses and all he could do was step back from the impact of everything hitting him hard.

And then second passed. A heartbeat. A blink. A summer breeze rolling by and touching skins.

Everything was too clear inside Woohyun’s mind, too clear that he swore he’d never had his mind at peace like it was before. In fact, he hadn’t felt like this before – having no bothering or heavy or frustrating thoughts inside his head. He found himself staring back at his nurse as the moon shed its ethereal light through the opened windows and a smile made its way through his lips.

“Sorry, what were we talking about again?”

The nurse in front of him blinked once, twice, before he let out an amused chuckle while shaking his head – Woohyun hoped it’s because of amusement rather than hopelessness.

“I better go. It’s getting late anyway, and I might get fined for parking my car passed my working hours. See you tomorrow.”

“Yeah, see you.”

Woohyun watched the nurse’s retreating back as he walked towards the door silently. There’s a nagging feeling inside him that he couldn’t just ignore and before he could stop himself, Woohyun found himself calling out to the nurse.

“You know, you’re the only person I see on a daily basis and yet I never caught on your name.”

The nurse stopped right in front of the door, hand already halfway through reaching towards the knob. It was silent once more and it only made Woohyun anxious with every second that passes by for no reason at all. Finally, the nurse turned around with the playful demeanor that Woohyun was always accustomed to.

“No offense but I’d rather not give my name to someone who’ll definitely forget it in a few hours – and it’s not even because of mind blowing sex.”

Laughter bubbled out of Woohyun – out of mirth, of course – that quickly became contagious and infected the nurse by the door. That was good, he had to admit.

“Go to sleep, it’s way past your curfew, patient Nam.” And then the nurse sent the warmest smile Woohyun has ever seen since he could remember. He can’t help but find himself smiling back. “Good night, Woohyun.”

“Good night.”

* * *

The smile was quickly dropped as soon as the door closed and was replaced by a look of despair.

The young guy found himself barely even taking a step before leaning against the wall for support. He had been close that night, very close to attaining the goal he had been striving to achieve for the past five years, was almost certain that Woohyun finally remembered after countless medicines and numerous stories – stories that Woohyun had repeatedly told him under the influence that he hadn’t. 

That Woohyun finally remembered how Kim Sunggyu looked like.

And just when he thought he finally succeeded, he was thrown back to square one because Woohyun’s mind decided it wasn’t _the right time_. Again.

The empty hallway witnessed how the nurse finally succumbed to his defeat-induced exhaustion, sliding down to the floor while his hands clutched his head before his fingers through his hair in frustration.  He wasn’t even supposed to stop by Woohyun’s room that night, and he would be royally screwed if someone knew of tonight's visit because it was clearly personal.

But the moment was just perfect, a setting that seemed straight out of one of Woohyun’s fondest memories – sunset watching.

He thought that maybe, just maybe, if he could re-enact just one of Woohyun’s stories it would trigger something inside Woohyun’s brain and enable him to remember. They were there, no words needed to say as they both watched how the sun set beyond the horizon. And it worked, he was sure of it, because Woohyun was staring at the constellation he fondly named after Sunggyu in deep thought. It worked because there was recognition that sparked if only by a second in Woohyun’s eyes. But the act seemed to rapidly intensify the effect of the patient’s rare, unexplainable and incurable case of amnesia.

The young man was close to giving up, a sob coming out of him because he had done any and every possible way he could to help the patient assigned to him, but he knew that Woohyun’s condition was just deteriorating with each passing day. But if there’s anything that he had learned from his stubborn patient, it’s to never give up.

A sigh emanated through him as his hand absentmindedly reached of his chest pocket, taking out the cold, metal name plate he got since he passed his licensure exams and internship. Fingers traced the engraved letters, letting his skin feel every nook and curve of the characters before he decided to pin it back to its rightful place (in his breast just above his weary heart), letting everyone know outside Woohyun’s room his name.

_Kim Sunggyu, M.D.  
Neurologist_


End file.
